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A Humanist Wedding Ceremony

Now that our wedding and mini honeymoon are over, we thought it would be a good idea to describe our wedding ceremony to offer some help for couples who are interested in having a Humanist wedding.

Where did we start?

Who performs the ceremony?

If you are a member of a church, or temple, that's an easy question. It becomes a little tricky if you are a couple of mixed denominations or religions. For Humanists who want a ceremony which is more familiar then having a judge and two witnesses listen to your vows and make a pronouncement, you should find a Humanist Celebrant. You can sort of think of a Humanist Celebrant as a religious mentor of sorts, except that Humanism isn't a religion. You'll want to check with your local laws to see if a Humanist Celebrant can legally perform a wedding. If they can not, get your representative at the state level to sponsor legislation to make it legal. If you can't wait that long, a "minister" of the Universal Life Church, which can be anyone, can usually get a certificate and be registered with the state to perform the ceremony. If that won't work either, you can find pastors out there who will perform completely secular services. Some think that spiritual is still secular, so make sure he or she knows where you stand.

You should get in touch with your local Humanist organization. Paul Heffron was our officiant, and an active member of the Humanists of Minnesota, so over the past year leading up to the wedding, we were able to see each other often, so it wasn't strange at the wedding. You can also find former pastors who are now Humanists and may still be registered with the state under their old affiliations.

What do you do for a Humanist wedding ceremony?

As a Humanist, your options are wide open, and can be as personal as you'd like. Weddings have a long history, and now there are certain elements which make a modern ceremony. The minimal requirement is usually making vows, making a pronouncement, and signing a certificate of marriage. For some, just signing the marriage certificate with witnesses is enough. But if you want to get your friends and family together, you should come up with a ceremony with some of the following: Opening music, a greeting, a welcome message to families, various readings and/or songs, lighting a unity candle, binding of hands, vows, pronouncement, a kiss or many, and a procession out of the place. The good thing is that you get to pick what you want.

What did we do for a ceremony and how did we come up with it?

We looked through some books from the British Humanist Association, and the Australian Humanist Association to get ideas of ceremonies, as well as looking online for inspiration. Our ceremony is a combination of all of those. We chose music and readings which we already enjoyed.

Processional: The Bride walks towards the guests across a bridge while classical music plays. *We chose Aria da Capo by Bach

Welcome: Celebrant: Welcome, friends! It gives me great pleasure to welcome you all here on this happy occasion to celebrate and witness the marriage of Jeannette and Bjorn who now wish to make their vows for a life-long union in the presence of their family and friends. They have written this ceremony themselves to allow them to express to each other, and before us, what this occasion means to them, and the commitments and aspirations they share for the future. Jeannette and Bjorn have created this ceremony to express their understanding of love and marriage as they stand on the threshold of a great undertaking. They believe that marriage is a journey, chosen by two human beings, based on mutual love and respect that allows an individual to grow more powerfully and more beautifully then if each walked alone. Marriage is not only linking our lives to another individual. We are entering a new dimension of understanding which goes deep into our heart. The happiness that Jeannette and Bjorn embrace today contains many wishes, for they will be able to explore and enter into the mystery of who they are. The happiness that they hope for in marriage embraces the spoken and the unspoken wishes for fulfillment. What they offer to each other is the opportunity to explore, enter, ans fulfill notions of who they are and what they can be. It is the maturing of love, freely given, and gladly returned that is both ordinary, and extraordinary, because it is about everyday living, Jeannette and Bjorn are grateful that you have chosen to be here and by your presence, honor their decision to venture forward as wife and husband.

Reading: Whoever loved as we did? Let us hunt for the ancient cinders of a heart that burned and make our kisses fall one by one, till that empty flower rises again. Let us love the love that consumed its fruit and went down, its image and its power, into the earth: you and I are the light that endures, its irrevocable delicate thorn. Bring to that love, entombed by so much cold time, by snow and spring, by oblivion and autumn, the light of a new apple, light of a freshness opened by a new wound, like that ancient love that passes in silence through an eternity of buried mouths. Pablo Neruda

Welcome message to guests: Bjorn and Jeannette spend a minute talking about each others experience so far in their relationship, about their favorite things to do together, and share an interesting annecdote that friends and family may not know about them. *Bjorn shared a story about locking his keys in his car on their first date. He never forgot again. Jeannette told a story about a bee that got into Bjorn's car, and how he ran out like a fool, but she's still with him even if he can be embarrassing at times.

Honoring the Families: Paul speaks about the importance of family and the generosity of parents.

Reading:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. William Shakespeare

The Guests Say their Vows of Love and Support

Today I invite you to share the joy -- the joy of these two people who have found joy in each other. I invite you to hear their understandings of love and marriage. You, their friends, are all especially welcome here because you form a circle of love. Jeannette and Bjorn are as they are, in part, because they have known all of you. The loved ones in this circle have shared concerns, they have shared both agreement and disagreement, have shared tears and laughter. Through that sharing, Jeannette and Bjorn have become more as persons. You are not just spectators today. You are all a part of their past, and by your presence here, you promise to care with and uphold them as they move into the future. To show your support I ask you to make your pledge: Do you promise to love and support Jeannette and Bjorn as they begin their new life together? If so, say “We Do!” --- ALL: “We Do! “

Vows:

Bjorn:

Where is peace?

It is in your smile.

How do I cope?

Your hand steadies my nerves.

Why do I wake?

Because you are there with me.

Why should I be better?

It's you I impress.

Why do I cook?

Your happy tongue is worth it.

Why should I learn?

The things we teach each other help us grow.

Why should I love?

Never have I missed or have been missed more.

Why should I marry?

When together, I find myself.

You find my faults and strengths. I couldn't be who I am without you. You are my first thought and my last. No force affects me more then your smile or your tears. You are my future. You are my home. Your compassion and love can see past my flaws. With you, I am as best as I can be. I can give so much more with you beside me then alone. You are my reason for doing. All I can give, I give to you. I give you my promise to love and respect you. We are different and equal. Together we are more then two. I know pledging to love you is right. Nothing makes more sense to me. Gravity is less certain to me. Each day with you is like a holiday.

I, Bjorn, choose you, Jeannette to be my wife. I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you, through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner, giving the best that I can, to fulfill our lives together.

Jeannette:

You are my best friend. We are friends who fell in love with each other. We are friends who have shared some incredible moments together. We are friends who laugh and cry together. We are friends who have a mortgage and bills together. We are friends who will grow old together. I'm so lucky to get to spend everyday with such a wonderful and caring person. Any words I say can't do justice to how much I really love you. I feel the same bliss of my childhood. It may not be as carefree, but I feel as happy and safe as I did when I was little, and know I know I'll feel that bliss everyday for the rest of our lives.

I, Jeannette, choose you, Bjorn to be my husband. I will respect you, care for you, and grow with you, through good times and hard times, as your friend, companion, and partner, giving the best that I can, to fulfill our lives together.

Rings:

The ring has long been a symbol for marriage. Made from metals drawn from deep within the earth, may these rings remind you that your love, also, must be drawn from deep within you. Forged in heat and with great effort, may these rings remind you that your marriage is also crafted daily and tempered in the forge of daily giving and forgiving. Bright like the sun, may these rings remind you that your love is meant to illumine your lives. Round like arms that embrace, may these rings remind you that human love is a grace upon this world. Bjorn: Jeannette, In pledge of the marriage vows made between us, I offer you this ring. Let it be to you and to me and to all the world, a symbol of the covenant of marriage we have entered into. Jeannette: Bjorn, In pledge of the marriage vows made between us, I offer you this ring. Let it be to you and to me and to all the world, a symbol of the covenant of marriage we have entered into.

Pronouncement: As Jeannette and Bjorn have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands, and with the exchange of rings, in the presence of this company, I pronounce them husband and wife. You may kiss! Recessional: Music plays and Bride and Groom exit down center aisle followed by wedding party. Officiant invites parents to follow immediately after, then explains to guests that they should follow the party back to the reception hall for a champagne toast. *We had a dry reception, but everyone had fun!

Should you tell your family it's going to be a Humanist wedding?

The answer depends on how many gifts you'd like. Just kidding! This is a personal question which you'll need to answer based on how you think it will effect you and effect your family. Religion is a big part of my family, and to a lesser extent, of Jeannette's family. I respect my family's beliefs. In turn, they respect mine, even if they don't agree with them. With dialog, things get better, not worse, however your mileage may vary. Sometimes, if a Humanist wedding ceremony is done in a certain way, even without mentioning God or anything spiritual, people won't notice that you've left God out, so you can get away with not telling anyone where you stand theologically, and letting them guess.

My immediate family knows I'm an atheist. My extended family, if they didn't know I'm an atheist, probably have a clue now or at least think I'm non-religious. While it's more difficult to be honest to people who you know will be upset with you, it feels more ethical to be honest, despite the consequences. I think that some people are irrationally fearful of the consequences, when they aren't that bad, but that will have to be your decision, and the decision of your partner.

Secular weddings and Humanist weddings are becoming more and more popular. What this means for you, is that you should be able to choose the style of wedding which suits you, without spending half an hour explaining what Humanism is.

Bjorn and Jeannette get married!

Yep, we're all married up. Thanks to our friends and family for making an ordinary day extra special. No fights broke out, and we even got to go on a gondola ride! We'll be posting pictures to here: http://picasaweb.google.com/bjorn.watland/WeddingPhotos

And at Shutterfly: http://bjornandjeannette.shutterfly.com/

Sickeningly sweet engagement photos

Here is Bjorn and Jeannette on a rock. How cute! We met with our wedding photographer for an engagement photo session for an hour at the Rose Garden in Minneapolis. It's a familiar place, as it's where I soiled my knee proposing this hair-brained idea of marriage. So, we trotted back, and posed, and hugged, and posed and kissed. If you like her work, consider giving Melisa Peters' a call at 612-860-0304 or email. She's professional, experienced, reasonable, and looks like she does this sort of thing for fun, not for the money.
For more classy photographs, click here.

Engagement photos coming soon

Melisa Peters met up with Jeannette and I in the Rose Garden in Minneapolis to shoot many photos for free! (as in beer) Of course, it comes as part of the package for her to shoot our wedding as well. She was dedicated and interested in getting things right. You can tell she does this for fun. We look forward to seeing her on the 8th. It's so nice to have pictures of the two of us together, which we're usually missing, because we're taking pictures of each other.

Wedding Do's and Don't - Why people go overboard

I have MSN Messenger on my workstation at work. It pops up with MSN Live! Today! or whatever marketing phrase they are calling it now a days, which includes tiny helpful elements, like number of emails, or the weather, large spaces for ads, and articles with popular entertainment news. Much of the "news" lately has been about weddings. Due to a sudden lack of crises at work, I clicked a link on wedding dos and don'ts.

It's written as a casual conversation between a handful of women. It's probably a raw transcript. The message of the article is to encourage simple weddings. Weddings today are massive affairs.

From the article:

"It is the biggest throwaway and means nothing later. It's the biggest waste of money and effort that I've ever heard of. It's like a big party where you just blow everything out; you have nothing left. It's got to cost $30,000."

So, what happens when couples and families spend this much money? A few things happen. I have seen couples go into $20,000 of debt right after a marriage. The husband felt that he should show his love for his wife through the wedding ring and engagement ring, which he spent $15,000 on. Why? It's what is expected. A diamond ring is a must, and it must be large. That is the message of the "Louder Yes!" campaign by Wedding Day Jewelers. A simple "yes" just isn't enough. You must provide, "pure, unadulterated elation." Of course, this elation won't come cheap. Now, you can spin this into buying a creative ring, but what companies like wedding Day Jewelers are looking for is financing opportunities. They want to fit you into a "manageable payment plan." All of this for some ring which is probably be lost, stolen, sold for much less, or damaged. Don't forget the ring insurance! No one should suffer economically for some piece of jewelery.

So, that's the guy's way of starting this mess. The woman takes over next, with her family, of course. Jeannette and I have argued over what should be done for a wedding, and the largest sticking point we've had has been over prices for things. From the previous article,

"But when it came time to actually get married, something from all those little fairytale books that she read when she was little came through. I think you carry that stuff in a backpack in your head. And she just wanted the glamour and the huge ... the romance of the whole vision. And we did. She had the biggest dress with the longest train and the most people."

All of the bridal magazines, wedding fairs, TV, and the rest of society with a fixation of materialism feed a many billion dollar industry which thrives on that "backpack in your head" of what it is like to get married, of what is expected. This is one expensive backpack. Only certain families can afford to throw this extravagant wedding people seem to be born with the idea of having. It's unrealistic and damaging. So, you buy the wedding dress, which won't be worn again, bridesmaid's dresses, which won't be worn again, accessories for your dress, and you're out a few thousand dollars for clothes which could be thrown away the next day. It's a waste, unless you can donate your clothes to people who can't afford what you've already bought.

Flowers can cost a few thousand dollars, the photographer can cost a few thousand dollars, transportation for guests can cost a few thousand dollars, tuxedo rental can cost a few thousand dollars, and facility rentals for ceremonies and receptions can cost a few thousand dollars. So, you're out $10,000, even before you pay for entertainment and food for your reception. Let's say you have 200 people at your wedding. An average cost of a meal is $18-$20. If you are providing drinks, you need to add another $10 on average per person. So, your food, including renting dishes, napkins, and other silly things which all have a line item, is $4,000-$6,000. And, that's if you do things cheaply. That can easily get to $10,000. A DJ or music can cost $1,000 to $2,000. Your total can easily get to $20,000 to $30,000, just for things which are expected.

What is the side effect of a $30,000 wedding? Immediate families, by tradition only the bride's family, but more often both families, will help pay for the wedding, or pay for all of it. Now, couples are paying for the event on their own, because immediate families have bills of their own, and can't take on the added burden. This then gets passed to extended families and friends with requests for money to help fund the wedding. From the article,

"the greed associated with weddings today is incredible. And the bridal industry, in recommending all these expensive things, is full of little hints about how to beg for others to help finance it, which is a revolting idea."

So, you can't afford what is expected, and it's your Big Day, and you're terrified that you'll be in debt for years and be miserable because of what you're going through to put on this one day. Brides get horribly stressed. Jeannette and I have been able to handle things pretty well. We're very lucky to know the owner of a restaurant who is providing catering. The reception will be very expensive, but we want to throw a fun party for our family and friends.

Gift Registry Heaven and Hell

Here are my priorities for gift giving for our wedding:
1. Give a gift to your favorite charity in the wedding couple's names.
2. Cash
3. A dozen crock pots.

In the Midwest, giving cash is like telling someone you don't care enough to really shop for them. Out east, it's much more common to get cash as a wedding gift.

So, to prevent number three from happening, we've created two gift registries, one at Target, and the other at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Let's start with the good. With Target, I created the registry online, added a couple of items, and later, when we were at a store, added more stuff. It's a simple process. You go to a terminal, log in, print a welcome sheet, get it scanned, and you get your scanner, in full color, loaded up with all of the items in your registry. You can go forward and back to modify quantities and delete items, right from the scanner. At Target, we were never asked once if we "worked there." We wandered the isles, picking some things we'd like. When we were done, we had about 40 things chosen, some expensive, others were pretty cheap, but all things we could use.

Then, we went to Bed Bath and Beyond. This store was nearly dead, and the only people we saw, aside from a handful of wanderers, were people either creating a registry, or buying things from a registry. It's as if the whole focus of the store is registries. They do have a price guarantee, but still, everything seemed over priced. This is the first time we had been to Bed Bath and Beyond since they redid their store. What did they change? They created a special gift registry section located in fine china. When you create a registry, you're assisted through the registration process. You're offered a bottle of water or candy, which is nice considering that you'll be bringing in a ton of business for them.

How do you bring in all of their business? Well, we have most of everything we need, even if we are moving into a larger place. We'll add bit and pieces here and there. Without qualifying us at all, by asking questions, like, do you two live together now? Are you living in an apartment? Do you do any entertaining? We're told we need to purchase place settings for twelve people. Then we're walked around, told that "casual dinner ware" is crap, because there are more bubbles in the clay, and that "this" stuff in fine china, even if it isn't china, is much better, and will last much longer. Which may be true, but styles change all the time, and place settings change. It's not going to break my heart if I'm not eating off the same plate for 20 years. We don't have any interest in fine china. even if we're entertaining, I would much rather use one everyday set, rather then keeping some special dishes locked away to be used once or twice a year. I just don't dig it. Maybe I'm still worried about cabinet space, and don't want to tie up the extra space with dishes.

Next, we were shown the flatware, again, which changes styles, but the expensive stuff was just so fancy it'd last forever. With the flatware in fine china, they come in the huge sets, with every fork, spoon, clam cleaver, etc. you could ever need to dismantle any food on your plate. We're not picky about forks and knives. Even if we're entertaining, I don't think the character of our guests is such that we would be scoffed for our flatware.

In order to "get rid of" 2/3rds of the options in cookware, a manager is called over to sell us pots and pans. I have a really nice pasta pot, a sauce pot, and a skillet, which is all I can ask for for making pretty nice Italian dishes. He never asked what kind of food we usually cook, or how often, or what pieces we currently had together. The only pieces I could ask for would be a nicer wok, and a larger skillet with a top. I don't care if all of the pieces look alike, come from the same manufacturer, or are all stainless steel or all nonstick. Calphalon is a brand I've never paid any attention to. They have worked their way into being a required gift set for any wedding. An 8 set will run $299, 10 set $399, 12 set $499. Oh, but don't worry, your guests can buy pieces at a time, then you can come in and finish your set, and you get a special one day 10% completion discount.

One thing sticks out about these three areas we are shown personally by staff. They are all high markup items. The whole store is filled with items which have high profit margins. From bedding and towels, tooth brush holders, and cutting boards, I can imagine at least a 50% markup on most items. Sure, they have guaranteed prices, but much of what they sell is unique to their store. Their return policy sucks as well. Oh, let's say you bought a pot, and needed to return it. You'd get a credit back on your card. At Bed Bath and Beyond, if you receive a gift, you get a store credit. While this makes sense to protect the liability of the store, and maintain a high volume of sales, it stinks for the couple returning gifts. Why would you ever have to return something on a registry? Well, if you register at different places, your gifts will overlap, because no everyone has a Bed Bath and Beyond near them. There are only 100 stores nationwide. So, you put the same things on the Target registry, which means you may get two of what you wanted. You can get a check sent back, but the requirements are so high that it's much easier to just get a gift credit.

Now, that isn't to say that Target doesn't sell nearly exactly the same stuff, and have similar margins on cookware, and Dyson vacuums, but we felt better that we weren't pushed into adding fancy stuff we really didn't want or need.

We're still keeping the registry at both places. Knock yourself out and buy something from there if you feel like it, but our top two priorities are still donations to charities, followed by cash.

Bed Bath and Beyond registry number: 4576120
Target registry: http://www.target.com/gp/registry/registry.html/ref=cm_cw_sr_1/602-2049229-9524606?ie=UTF8&type=wedding&id=2J57N6TEOKYQU&jsebd=1

Wedding Invites Coming Soon!

Of course, we may be have a new RSVP address by the time the cards are out.

Wedding site chosen

One part of our wedding on 8-8-2008 is settled. The Normandale Japanese Garden will be the backdrop for what should be a fun time.